What a difference a year makes!

This time last year, I was recovering from my major surgery moving through the world in a haze. Now, one year later, it's wonderful to be able to recognize how far I've come with my health. That's not to say that I don't have those nagging doubts and suspicions with every ache or pain, but I think it will take awhile for my knee-jerk reaction to be something other than fear of cancer. In any case, this christmas, I am able to experience the joy and hope that the holiday brings with fresh eyes knowing how blessed we all are to be able to wake up and greet each day - especially those days with stockings, wreaths and ornaments. I have another scan on January 18 - which would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday. I'm hoping that doing it on that day brings me good luck. I've been having some swelling in my hands since my last surgery in October, so I just saw a physical therapist yesterday to try to address it. She showed me how to make a funny bandage around my fingers - a little like mummy hands. It seemed to work a little bit in the short time I had it on. We'll see if she can manage to get my hands back to their normal bony-ness. Otherwise, I'm just a harried working mom and wife trying to get everything done in time for the holidays. I wish everyone all the love, joy and laughter of the Christmas season. May you each make a memory this Christmas and be blessed with good health for 2012.

Stitches of Hope

Tomorrow marks three weeks since I had my surgery replacing my expanders with permanent implants. As one of my friends noted, this is a heck of a way to get a free boob-job - involuntarily, I might add. I never paid too much attention to that part of my body, let alone obessessed over it like some people do. Not like my toenails - which I have a history of being a bit compulsive about - I can't stand a chipping pedicure. This has served me well over the years in that my feet look snappy in sandals year round. Anyway, I'm doing well and feeling pretty darn good these days. I still don't have all of my energy back, but I have to remind myself that it takes a lot of energy for one's body to repair itself when it's been cut into and your insides messed with. I know, I'm impatient. This has been such a long and arduous journey, and I have learned a lot about patience, but I am also SO ready to be feeling like my vibrant and alive self again. I'm tempted to get back on the treadmill, but am pacing myself so that I am not tempted to over do it. I was so fortunate to have my mom and my dad and Beth come and help out during my recovery from my surgery. It always feels so good to have my parents around when I'm feeling crummy. I bounced back much faster from this surgery than the other two. Maybe because it was less invasive. I never needed any pain medication aside from Motrin in the mornings and evenings, and even then, only for a few days. It was a pretty big relief to start feeling better so soon after the surgery, and even so, feeling rotten brought back memories of how rotten I felt before going through chemo and recovering from surgery. That brought back a lot of emotional stuff - a lot of fear and anxiety that I fought throughout my cancer treatment. I had to keep reminding myself that I had a scan only a few weeks prior that showed ZERO active cancer. These conversations in my head were ever present in those early days after the surgery. It was odd because I knew it was the physical feelings that brought them on and that those physical feelings were related to healing and not cancer, but I still had a hard time shaking the emotional part. Because I had radiation to my entire chest area, the doctors are leaving the stitches in until the week of Thanksgiving. It's timely that I have these Frankenstein stitches through the Halloween season - even though no one will see them. Ha ha. I have to say that I'm pleased with how it all turned out. I guess I can thank the entertainment industry for perfecting plastic surgery because I've definitely benefitted from it. Really, no one would ever know that they are fake. Not that I'm going to go around showing them off - my chest has had enough attention paid to it to last a lifetime already. So, having navigated the big rapids on this river of treatment, I now get to float along, hopefully forever, with just the little ripples of my monthly infusions and shots that keep the cancer away. At my last visit with my oncologist, she suggested that I do a marathon with her in February 2013 - that kind of vote of confidence takes the weight of fear and uncertainty off my shoulders. I just keep reminding myself that my oncologist - the expert in planning for the worst case scenario - thinks that I'll be ready for a marathon over a year from now. That's a whole lot of confidence in my health. So, although I'll never again be able to ignore the fact that I'm not immortal, for the moment, I can feel that I am invincible - I kicked out Stage IV cancer and that's a pretty big accomplishment. The Relay for Life will be July 28 - 29, 2012 in Napa at Napa Valley College. I hope you will join me and walk a lap or two, or more, to help other cancer survivors kick cancer too. More on that to come....

Still ALL CLEAR!!!

This summer, we lost my cousin Karol to cancer. She fought a valiant fight and insprired me tremendously as my cancer fighting partner. I feel tremendous sadness that she didn't win her fight as I always expected that she would. I know she is in a better place now and free from pain, but I miss her and I know her passing has been such a loss for all of her family and friends.

At the end of August, I had another scan. It had been 4.5 months since the last one and because I am still feeling so good, I didn't have the anxiety that preceded all of the previous scans. I was thrilled to hear from my oncologist that this scan also showed NO EVIDENCE OF METABOLIC ACTIVITY. YAY! Another fantastic report! I think it goes without saying that I am still walking on air with this result!

I have my last surgery in two weeks - on October 6 - to replace the expanders with permanent implants. It should be a pretty straightforward surgery and I should be home that evening. I'm looking forward to it because it signifies the end of "treatment" and moving on to just being on "maintenance." It's been such a journey and I feel so fortunate to have such great results, despite the rocky road and many hills and valleys traveled.

I do still want to celebrate the completion of my treatment and my success in ridding my body of the invader. In thinking about it, I think one of the best ways to celebrate is to find a way to give back and support others in their fight. So, I'm hoping that everyone will join me in July 2012 by participating in Relay for Life here in Napa. Relay is a 24 hour event to raise awareness and money for the American Cancer Society. I participated in 2010 during chemo and it was a transformative experience. So, I'm going to captain a team next year and I hope you will come and join me to celebrate my health while supporting this great cause. Check back here for more information. It will be quite a party!

Kicking Cancer and Kickin' Back

So, it's been a couple months since I got my scan results that there is NO ACTIVE CANCER IN MY BODY... and I think it is finally, finally sinking into my head. It does take some time to get your head around these things - even though the news is exactly what you want to hear, you don't actually "get it" right away. There is the initial celebration and then the processing of this information that takes time.

My last doctor's appointment with my oncologist was very upbeat and happy. She thinks I am doing great and has changed her language from "when you need more treatment" to "if and when..." I know it is crazy, but being in my shoes, you hang on every word - every change in vocabulary and word usage can be cause for elation or devastation. I like that she is using "if and when" rather than "when" because that tells me that she isn't expecting it, but is prepared for it IF it happens. She also told us that "if and when" I needed more treatment, very likely, she wouldn't be jumping right into chemo because there are some treatments that can be given in pill form that are proving to be quite effective. The world of cancer treatment is changing at a rapid pace giving all of us hope that the word "cancer" will not be one that strikes fear into the hearts of our children, but rather is something easily treatable in the not so distant future.

I'm happy to also report that my energy level is rebounding and I am feeling better than I can remember. I think that my body has been fighting this cancer for a very long time and without having to fight it anymore, I am gaining strength, endurance and just generally feeling a whole lot more capable than I can remember. I do still get tired sometimes, but nothing at all like before. I'm keeping up with exercise, acupuncture, my diet (though I cheat sometimes) and just generally enjoying the amazing life I am so blessed to live.

We are planning some summer family trips, the boys are swimming and doing soccer, summer is finally here and LIFE IS GOOD... I have so much to be thankful for and feel so blessed. Thanks to all for your support and love. This is a success story not just for me, but for you as well - WE DID IT!!! We KICKED cancer's ass!!! Woo-hoo!!! OK so about that party... I guess I better start thinking about it!

 

 

 

Stepping into the Light

Having been so closely watched and analyzed by my medical team over the last year, I was buoyed by my oncologist telling me that she doesn't need to see me for two months AND that she is recommending FOUR months until my next scan. This from a doctor who is very conservative and always preparing for the next step. It has taken awhile for this to sink in that she isn't worried about me and expects me to live "for a long time." YAY!!! So, now I am slowly getting my energy back again and sorting through what just happened to my life in the last 15 months. Talk about feeling derailed!

So, as part of trying to find my way back, I volunteered to participate in the Reach for the Stars fashion show benefitting the local cancer wellness center. The practices for the show began only 5 days after my ovary removal surgery, so I was still feeling a bit out of it and not myself while trying to learn how to "walk with purpose." I felt more disconnected from my body than ever. Having been poked, prodded, sliced, radiated and feeling toxic from all of my treatment, I just felt further and further removed from my body over time. I wore clothes that hid me from the world. So, participating in a fashion show was as far from my comfort zone as I could reach. However, spending time with these incredible women, all of whom are cancer survivors, and learning how to walk the runway with the tremendous support of everyone involved compelled me to step out of the box and my comfort zone and celebrate all that my body has achieved in not only sustaining me through the grueling months of treatment but in healing so well and kicking that cancer out!

For me, the fashion show wasn't about fashion or clothes, but about finding a way to navigate the world proudly in the aftermath of so much physical and emotional pain. It was about stepping into the light and allowing myself to shine. I so appreciate the support and cheering of my husband, my mom, my mother-in-law, my friends - Jill, Serena and her husband Greg, Madelynn and Peggy, my co-workers Carolyn, Terri and Eileen, as well as my new friends on the runway, backstage, and in the audience. It was an incredible experience!

Happy Dance!!!

I had my PET/CT scan on Friday. We then got to endure the grueling weekend of waiting for the report. My oncology nurse finally called mid-day yesterday with the news that the lymphnodes that showed up on the prior scan are smaller and not lighting up anymore, my bones appear to be healing and that there is NO ACTIVE CANCER in my body!!! Woo-Hoo!!! I found myself bursting into happy tears for the rest of the day, and still am adjusting to this tremendously FANTASTIC news. Marchus and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate! We realized we hadn’t been out for a date night since Marchus' birthday in early December. It was a wonderful evening with us both giddy with happiness. 

It is taking awhile for this news to sink in. We’ve been in fighting mode and feeling as if the ground underneath us was unstable for the last 14 months. Having been diagnosed as Stage IV - the possibility that I could be cancer - free seemed at times, unreachable. I am so happy to report that it is possible to come back from a Stage IV diagnosis to having no active cancer. This should give hope to many, many people battling this disease. It is possible. I did it!!!

Of course, in anticipation of the scan and waiting for the results, our minds were reeling through all of the possibilities of what it could have shown. To get this report is truly such a gift to us and our families. At the same time, we are mindful that although the cancer has retreated, we will always be on alert and fighting it through hormone therapy indefinitely. Still, this is the best that could be imagined and we are walking on air.

We’re meeting with my oncologist on Friday, who I’m sure will provide us with more information and some kind of reality check on what we can anticipate in the future. I’m hoping that she doesn’t burst my bubble too much. In the meanwhile, I will bask in the glow of knowing that my body is healthier than it has been in years and enjoy putting my worries and fears up on the shelf.

Thank you to all who have prayed, sent healthy thoughts my way and have been supporting me through this journey. You have significantly contributed to my success! The journey isn’t over, but hopefully, the hard part is complete and it will be smooth sailing from here on. I'll keep posting!