Not So Simple

I had my scan last week, as well as my "set up" appointment to get the radiation process going. The radiation "set up" appointment involved over an hour of lying as still as possible while this machine was moved around me taking x-rays, computerized measurements and gathering information for how to most effectively deliver the radiation. Following all the measuring time, I had a CT scan and got my tattoos, both of which provide guidance for my radiation treatment. Having never had a tattoo before, I can't imagine ever doing it voluntarily - ouch! Evidently, my situation is technically more complicated than most in that they have to figure out how to radiate my whole chest area, whereas most people only have a specific area. Tomorrow is my "dry run" for the radiation process. I am hoping it goes smoothly so I can get started on the daily drives and get that process completed.

With regard to my scan last Wednesday, a nurse finally called me back on friday, but without much definitive information. Basically, she just told me there were a couple of lymphnodes that were showing metabolic activity and that (again!) I would have to wait until the Tumor Board met and discussed it to sort out what was going on. Argh! That makes for a tough weekend of waiting. So, we took the kids and went to the zoo, which was a fun distraction. :)

Today, my oncologist called me to let me know what the Tumor Board came up with. The radiologist couldn't determine whether the increased metabolic rate was a result of inflammation from surgery or was cancer. The locations of the lymphnodes in question are the same place that had shown cancer before - in my clavicle and sternum areas (which weren't removed during surgery). So, the Tumor Board recommendation is that my hormone therapy be shifted from the daily Tamoxifen pill to something else (I can't remember the name) that is an injection every 2 weeks. They are also recommending that I have my ovaries removed in the next few months. So, it looks like I am headed back to surgery once I finish radiation. At least this next surgery is a lot more simple and doesn't require a hospital stay. :)

I am relieved that they aren't recommending more chemo following the scan results and am hopeful that this shift in therapy combined with the radiation will send the cancer away for good. I think that whatever the Tumor Board came up with would have thrown me a bit. Any shift in the plan takes some adjusting mentally. After the last few weeks of feeling so up in the air and making myself crazy with doubt and fear, I am strangely feeling better now adjusting mentally to this new path.

I will get to being cancer free. I know I will. It is just a bit of a winding path that will get me there. But I will be there. I'll find out more tomorrow and hopefully will be launched into the next phase of healing.

Transition to Radiation

It seems like each time I finish one treatment and am moving on to the next, I become a total stress case. I have to keep having conversations with myself, as well as my family and friends, to convince myself, once again, that I am on track to being cancer free. I have no idea why I would be feeling doubtful or second guessing the process, but all of the fears and worries somehow find their way into my head and I have to dash them way. Sometimes that's easy to do, other times, it's harder.

I think it is all compounded by having a PET/CT scan coming up on January 19. Scans are always stressful because no one wants them to show ANY cancer in their bodies - me included. So, anytime you have a scan in the near future, it sets off the alarm bells of the "what ifs". So I have a lot of "noise" in my head these days which I think is only that much louder because I have been off work and have had time for those thoughts to percolate.

My family and friends have been really supportive, but I try not to dwell on it too much cuz I know everyone gets tired of hearing about it. I have to keep reminding myself how many hurdles I've leapt thus far with so much success and that there is no reason to be doubting now. My surgeon feels that she got all of the cancer out of my lymphnodes and breasts. She removed 30 lymphnodes - that's a LOT! I have to be thankful that I am largely healed and have very little pain. I have been able to continue to ramp up my time on the treadmill to doing 2 miles at a time - not bad for 5 weeks post-surgery. Now, I just have to work on doing it faster and on an incline. It helps clear my head and give me more energy, so I push myself to do it almost every day.

I have enjoyed being able to spend more time with my kids and my husband these last few weeks and have some relaxing family time. This experience does make me not worry about the small stuff - or even some of the big stuff. I just keep in my mind how great it will feel to get a report that my body has no cancer left in it. I'm hoping to get that news sometime soon. In the meanwhile, I'm psyching myself up for the daily trek to San Francisco for radiation. Fortunately, my family and friends are planning to accompany me on each daily journey so we can shift the focus to being fun road-trips each day. Again, I count my blessings. I am so lucky and thankful.