What a difference a year makes!

This time last year, I was recovering from my major surgery moving through the world in a haze. Now, one year later, it's wonderful to be able to recognize how far I've come with my health. That's not to say that I don't have those nagging doubts and suspicions with every ache or pain, but I think it will take awhile for my knee-jerk reaction to be something other than fear of cancer. In any case, this christmas, I am able to experience the joy and hope that the holiday brings with fresh eyes knowing how blessed we all are to be able to wake up and greet each day - especially those days with stockings, wreaths and ornaments. I have another scan on January 18 - which would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday. I'm hoping that doing it on that day brings me good luck. I've been having some swelling in my hands since my last surgery in October, so I just saw a physical therapist yesterday to try to address it. She showed me how to make a funny bandage around my fingers - a little like mummy hands. It seemed to work a little bit in the short time I had it on. We'll see if she can manage to get my hands back to their normal bony-ness. Otherwise, I'm just a harried working mom and wife trying to get everything done in time for the holidays. I wish everyone all the love, joy and laughter of the Christmas season. May you each make a memory this Christmas and be blessed with good health for 2012.

Stitches of Hope

Tomorrow marks three weeks since I had my surgery replacing my expanders with permanent implants. As one of my friends noted, this is a heck of a way to get a free boob-job - involuntarily, I might add. I never paid too much attention to that part of my body, let alone obessessed over it like some people do. Not like my toenails - which I have a history of being a bit compulsive about - I can't stand a chipping pedicure. This has served me well over the years in that my feet look snappy in sandals year round. Anyway, I'm doing well and feeling pretty darn good these days. I still don't have all of my energy back, but I have to remind myself that it takes a lot of energy for one's body to repair itself when it's been cut into and your insides messed with. I know, I'm impatient. This has been such a long and arduous journey, and I have learned a lot about patience, but I am also SO ready to be feeling like my vibrant and alive self again. I'm tempted to get back on the treadmill, but am pacing myself so that I am not tempted to over do it. I was so fortunate to have my mom and my dad and Beth come and help out during my recovery from my surgery. It always feels so good to have my parents around when I'm feeling crummy. I bounced back much faster from this surgery than the other two. Maybe because it was less invasive. I never needed any pain medication aside from Motrin in the mornings and evenings, and even then, only for a few days. It was a pretty big relief to start feeling better so soon after the surgery, and even so, feeling rotten brought back memories of how rotten I felt before going through chemo and recovering from surgery. That brought back a lot of emotional stuff - a lot of fear and anxiety that I fought throughout my cancer treatment. I had to keep reminding myself that I had a scan only a few weeks prior that showed ZERO active cancer. These conversations in my head were ever present in those early days after the surgery. It was odd because I knew it was the physical feelings that brought them on and that those physical feelings were related to healing and not cancer, but I still had a hard time shaking the emotional part. Because I had radiation to my entire chest area, the doctors are leaving the stitches in until the week of Thanksgiving. It's timely that I have these Frankenstein stitches through the Halloween season - even though no one will see them. Ha ha. I have to say that I'm pleased with how it all turned out. I guess I can thank the entertainment industry for perfecting plastic surgery because I've definitely benefitted from it. Really, no one would ever know that they are fake. Not that I'm going to go around showing them off - my chest has had enough attention paid to it to last a lifetime already. So, having navigated the big rapids on this river of treatment, I now get to float along, hopefully forever, with just the little ripples of my monthly infusions and shots that keep the cancer away. At my last visit with my oncologist, she suggested that I do a marathon with her in February 2013 - that kind of vote of confidence takes the weight of fear and uncertainty off my shoulders. I just keep reminding myself that my oncologist - the expert in planning for the worst case scenario - thinks that I'll be ready for a marathon over a year from now. That's a whole lot of confidence in my health. So, although I'll never again be able to ignore the fact that I'm not immortal, for the moment, I can feel that I am invincible - I kicked out Stage IV cancer and that's a pretty big accomplishment. The Relay for Life will be July 28 - 29, 2012 in Napa at Napa Valley College. I hope you will join me and walk a lap or two, or more, to help other cancer survivors kick cancer too. More on that to come....

Still ALL CLEAR!!!

This summer, we lost my cousin Karol to cancer. She fought a valiant fight and insprired me tremendously as my cancer fighting partner. I feel tremendous sadness that she didn't win her fight as I always expected that she would. I know she is in a better place now and free from pain, but I miss her and I know her passing has been such a loss for all of her family and friends.

At the end of August, I had another scan. It had been 4.5 months since the last one and because I am still feeling so good, I didn't have the anxiety that preceded all of the previous scans. I was thrilled to hear from my oncologist that this scan also showed NO EVIDENCE OF METABOLIC ACTIVITY. YAY! Another fantastic report! I think it goes without saying that I am still walking on air with this result!

I have my last surgery in two weeks - on October 6 - to replace the expanders with permanent implants. It should be a pretty straightforward surgery and I should be home that evening. I'm looking forward to it because it signifies the end of "treatment" and moving on to just being on "maintenance." It's been such a journey and I feel so fortunate to have such great results, despite the rocky road and many hills and valleys traveled.

I do still want to celebrate the completion of my treatment and my success in ridding my body of the invader. In thinking about it, I think one of the best ways to celebrate is to find a way to give back and support others in their fight. So, I'm hoping that everyone will join me in July 2012 by participating in Relay for Life here in Napa. Relay is a 24 hour event to raise awareness and money for the American Cancer Society. I participated in 2010 during chemo and it was a transformative experience. So, I'm going to captain a team next year and I hope you will come and join me to celebrate my health while supporting this great cause. Check back here for more information. It will be quite a party!

Kicking Cancer and Kickin' Back

So, it's been a couple months since I got my scan results that there is NO ACTIVE CANCER IN MY BODY... and I think it is finally, finally sinking into my head. It does take some time to get your head around these things - even though the news is exactly what you want to hear, you don't actually "get it" right away. There is the initial celebration and then the processing of this information that takes time.

My last doctor's appointment with my oncologist was very upbeat and happy. She thinks I am doing great and has changed her language from "when you need more treatment" to "if and when..." I know it is crazy, but being in my shoes, you hang on every word - every change in vocabulary and word usage can be cause for elation or devastation. I like that she is using "if and when" rather than "when" because that tells me that she isn't expecting it, but is prepared for it IF it happens. She also told us that "if and when" I needed more treatment, very likely, she wouldn't be jumping right into chemo because there are some treatments that can be given in pill form that are proving to be quite effective. The world of cancer treatment is changing at a rapid pace giving all of us hope that the word "cancer" will not be one that strikes fear into the hearts of our children, but rather is something easily treatable in the not so distant future.

I'm happy to also report that my energy level is rebounding and I am feeling better than I can remember. I think that my body has been fighting this cancer for a very long time and without having to fight it anymore, I am gaining strength, endurance and just generally feeling a whole lot more capable than I can remember. I do still get tired sometimes, but nothing at all like before. I'm keeping up with exercise, acupuncture, my diet (though I cheat sometimes) and just generally enjoying the amazing life I am so blessed to live.

We are planning some summer family trips, the boys are swimming and doing soccer, summer is finally here and LIFE IS GOOD... I have so much to be thankful for and feel so blessed. Thanks to all for your support and love. This is a success story not just for me, but for you as well - WE DID IT!!! We KICKED cancer's ass!!! Woo-hoo!!! OK so about that party... I guess I better start thinking about it!

 

 

 

Stepping into the Light

Having been so closely watched and analyzed by my medical team over the last year, I was buoyed by my oncologist telling me that she doesn't need to see me for two months AND that she is recommending FOUR months until my next scan. This from a doctor who is very conservative and always preparing for the next step. It has taken awhile for this to sink in that she isn't worried about me and expects me to live "for a long time." YAY!!! So, now I am slowly getting my energy back again and sorting through what just happened to my life in the last 15 months. Talk about feeling derailed!

So, as part of trying to find my way back, I volunteered to participate in the Reach for the Stars fashion show benefitting the local cancer wellness center. The practices for the show began only 5 days after my ovary removal surgery, so I was still feeling a bit out of it and not myself while trying to learn how to "walk with purpose." I felt more disconnected from my body than ever. Having been poked, prodded, sliced, radiated and feeling toxic from all of my treatment, I just felt further and further removed from my body over time. I wore clothes that hid me from the world. So, participating in a fashion show was as far from my comfort zone as I could reach. However, spending time with these incredible women, all of whom are cancer survivors, and learning how to walk the runway with the tremendous support of everyone involved compelled me to step out of the box and my comfort zone and celebrate all that my body has achieved in not only sustaining me through the grueling months of treatment but in healing so well and kicking that cancer out!

For me, the fashion show wasn't about fashion or clothes, but about finding a way to navigate the world proudly in the aftermath of so much physical and emotional pain. It was about stepping into the light and allowing myself to shine. I so appreciate the support and cheering of my husband, my mom, my mother-in-law, my friends - Jill, Serena and her husband Greg, Madelynn and Peggy, my co-workers Carolyn, Terri and Eileen, as well as my new friends on the runway, backstage, and in the audience. It was an incredible experience!

Happy Dance!!!

I had my PET/CT scan on Friday. We then got to endure the grueling weekend of waiting for the report. My oncology nurse finally called mid-day yesterday with the news that the lymphnodes that showed up on the prior scan are smaller and not lighting up anymore, my bones appear to be healing and that there is NO ACTIVE CANCER in my body!!! Woo-Hoo!!! I found myself bursting into happy tears for the rest of the day, and still am adjusting to this tremendously FANTASTIC news. Marchus and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate! We realized we hadn’t been out for a date night since Marchus' birthday in early December. It was a wonderful evening with us both giddy with happiness. 

It is taking awhile for this news to sink in. We’ve been in fighting mode and feeling as if the ground underneath us was unstable for the last 14 months. Having been diagnosed as Stage IV - the possibility that I could be cancer - free seemed at times, unreachable. I am so happy to report that it is possible to come back from a Stage IV diagnosis to having no active cancer. This should give hope to many, many people battling this disease. It is possible. I did it!!!

Of course, in anticipation of the scan and waiting for the results, our minds were reeling through all of the possibilities of what it could have shown. To get this report is truly such a gift to us and our families. At the same time, we are mindful that although the cancer has retreated, we will always be on alert and fighting it through hormone therapy indefinitely. Still, this is the best that could be imagined and we are walking on air.

We’re meeting with my oncologist on Friday, who I’m sure will provide us with more information and some kind of reality check on what we can anticipate in the future. I’m hoping that she doesn’t burst my bubble too much. In the meanwhile, I will bask in the glow of knowing that my body is healthier than it has been in years and enjoy putting my worries and fears up on the shelf.

Thank you to all who have prayed, sent healthy thoughts my way and have been supporting me through this journey. You have significantly contributed to my success! The journey isn’t over, but hopefully, the hard part is complete and it will be smooth sailing from here on. I'll keep posting!

Now What?

OK, so I’ve been back to work for two weeks now and I guess daily life is becoming more routine. I am slowly getting my energy back after surgery and radiation. Of course, it is returning more slowly than I would like – challenging my patience once again. It is an odd transition to go from so much medical stuff to a fairly open medical appointment calendar. I do go back for follow up appointments on April 11, and then a PET/CT scan on the 15th, along with my infusion of Zometa bone builder and Faslodex (hormone therapy) shots.

The weeks before the PET/CT scan are always stressful – all the worrying and wondering. I should be used to it by now. But I’m not. In talking with other survivors, it seems that although you learn to cope a little better with the PET/CT scans, you never really get casual about it. I guess that’s understandable considering that it has the potential to deliver such life altering information. In any event, I am hoping that this next scan shows that I am free from cancer. That would be phenomenal news. At the same time, the more I think about it and even though I still feel really positively about my body’s ability to fight off the cancer, I don’t know that a clear scan will give me complete comfort. I guess once you have had cancer, the fear of it returning is always in the back of your mind – no matter how hard you try to push it out. Believe me, I’ve tried. So, then I just rationalize that there are lots of treatment options out there and that the doctors are remaining positive in my prognosis, so that, worst case scenario, there could be more chemo in my future at some point. And having been down that road before, I know that I can and will do it again should the need arise. I’d just rather it never, ever be needed.

I’ve come to recognize that just adjusting to life after psyching yourself up for such a tremendous year-long fight is just that, an adjustment. So, I focus on the beauty of sunny spring days, the delight and joy of my boys, the love of my husband, family and friends – and I appreciate all of these things so much more because I am constantly reminded of how lucky I truly am. Each day is a gift. (And I kind of wish I wasn’t spending so many of those days in my office – ha ha).

When I was in the middle of doing radiation, I was interviewed by a reporter from the San Francisco Chronicle. The article is here:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/03/07/DD1B1HKAVH.DTL

What the article didn’t mention is how successful I have been in beating back the cancer. When I realize how dire my diagnosis was, it clearly reminds me of how far I’ve come since then. I kind of wish the article had mentioned that it is all working and that my prognosis is good because I think that would further encourage people to play a role in their treatment and not just leave it up to the doctors. Patients should feel empowered to work in conjunction with their medical team to do whatever they can to help facilitate their body’s healing.

My friend and fellow survivor encouraged me to participate in the "Reach for the Stars" fashion show benefitting the Cancer Wellness Center at the Queen of the Valley Hospital here in Napa. All of the models in the show are cancer survivors and it is quite a production with practices, model coaches, stylists, clothes coordinators and the whole thing. I’m hoping it helps me get back some of what I feel like I’ve lost through all of this cancer treatment – getting out of “frump mode”, as well as make some more friends who have been through it. Information on the event is here:

http://www.queensfoundation.org/view/SpecialEvents/reach

The show is April 30 at 11am at the Meritage Resort in Napa for anyone interested in attending. The pink fire trucks will be there as well! I will try to post some photos of it sometime in May. Happy Spring!!!

Moving Onward!

Next Monday, I go back to work. It is hard to believe all that has happened since I last sat in my office. I had my ovary removal surgery on Wednesday. Compared to my last surgery in December, it was a piece of cake. Having said that, it still involves a bit of recovery. I'm feeling a bit sore and uncomfortable, but am happy to be on the mend. Yesterday, we went back to see my oncologist's nurse practitioner and get my infusion of Zometa and Faslodex shots. I felt a bit like a pin cushion having had surgery wednesday and then more needles yesterday.

Because I've had so many lymphnodes removed on both sides, they did my IV for my surgery in my foot. Let me tell you that needles in the foot hurt a lot more than needles in the arm. I woke up with an IV in both feet so that they'd have a back up if the first one failed for some reason - which thankfully wasn't needed.

When I came home from the hospital, Matthew wanted to see my "tubes" and "band-aids". He talked about my spider arms - since I had two drain tubes on each side with my last surgery. It made me laugh through the post-surgery blur.

My mom and aunt were here to help take care of me and help with the kids when I got home. With them and Marchus, I felt really well cared for.

Our trip to Hawaii was great! It was wonderful to swim in the ocean and to allow my radiated skin to heal. Although it is still a lot of work to travel with small children, we had a great time. Our trip was capped off with the Tsunami warning on our last night due to the massive earthquake in Japan. We evacuated since we were in the Tsunami innundation area and spent our last night of vacation in our car in a parking lot. It was a bit scary, but once we got away from the coast, we breathed a sigh of relief. Thankfully, we had friends parked near us who had pillows and blankets which was really comforting. Thanks Patrick and Fraser! We were relieved to wake up to find the airport still operating. Our hearts and prayers go out to the people in Japan who have suffered such loss and are living through such tremendous challenges. Needless to say, our small inconvenience pales in comparison to their experience.

It feels odd that I don't have to go back to San Francisco until April 11 for follow up visits with my doctors and April 15 for my next PET/CT scan. I am hoping that this begins the next phase of our life - with only monthly maintenance to keep the cancer at bay. Though I cannot imagine it now, I am hopeful that in a few years, we will all be able to look back on this ordeal as something that was fought and won! I know I will be challenged to keep the fear of cancer returning at bay and hope that once I am declared "Cancer-Free", I will remain so forever.

Thank you to everyone for all of your support, prayers and love. I know that I have been less in touch this past year and that many have kept up on my progress through this blog. I hope to reconnect with each of you very soon. I also know that many people that I have never even met have found my blog and hope that it has been helpful to them on their journey. I will continue with updates periodically, but wanted to express my appreciation and heartfelt thanks to my tremendous support team. You guys are awesome!!! With all my love...

Feeling Crispy!

I'm thrilled to report that I completed my 25 rounds of radiation yesterday! They even gave me a certificate of completion that all of the technicians that did my radiation signed with sweet messages to me. It's kind of like final exams in that it takes awhile for it to sink in... and it hasn't really yet. My skin is a nice leathery brown where it was radiated. My radiation oncologist told me that in a few weeks it will return to normal. Meanwhile, I am well equiped with healing creams and lotions. Honestly, now that I'm done with it, I can say that it's not so bad. :)

It has been really great to be able to tap into my dad's incredible knowledge about radiation therapy. He has given me great confidence in this process. I never knew that all of my dad's brilliance, hard work and research would benefit me so directly. I am so thankful to him and others who dedicated their life's work to eradicating cancer.

I have been so fortunate to have had my aunt Marilyn and cousin Suzanne here the last two weeks - each of them joined me for a week of daily pilgramages to radiation. We mixed it up with lunches, shopping and some nice walks along San Francisco bay, and taking the scenic route home. Really, it's been wonderful to have this time with the people I love. My dear mother-in-law Monika and her friend Peggy spent the day with me on Monday which was lovely as well. My mom came back to join me for my last couple of days and truly pampered me today - my first day without radiation - with shopping, mani/pedi, and a trip to the salon to tame my unruly hair. I'm exhausted from having such a good time. Big thank yous to all you ladies for the joy you've brought me these last few weeks. And a BIG thank you to my husband for indulging me with the revolving door of visitors. He's been awesome cooking for everyone and welcoming everyone into our home.

To truly put a punctuation mark on this triathelon of treatment, my mom is sending me and my family to Hawaii for a week of recovery! We leave tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. I really can't wait to feel the sand between my toes and feel that balmy breeze. I think it will be a great opportunity for us to rest, relax and enjoy one another. We are SO thankful to have this time. Thanks Mom! I think every cancer patient deserves a really nice break when they are done to cap it off properly.

The wednesday after we get back, I'll have my ovary removal surgery which is to reduce the amount of estrogen in my body since my cancer is fed by estrogen. It is serendipitous that my ovary surgery is on March 16 since I started chemo last year on March 16. I like when things work out so cleanly - like bookends to the year of treatment. After that, I will have another scan in April and hopefully only need maintenance of Faslodex (to prevent any estrogen binding to any remaining cancer cells) and Zometa (to strengthen my bones). That would be ideal!

I'd like to take a moment to remember Marchus's grandmother Doreen, who passed away last sunday at the age of 98. Her kindness and positive attitude were ever-present and she inspired me with her strength and thoughtfulness. She will be dearly missed by everyone in Marchus's family.

In the Glow...

Today marks the completion of radiation dose 16 of 25. Only 9 more to go! Woo-hoo! So far, so good. My radiation oncologist says I am doing well. My skin is starting to turn pink, but they've given me some *magic* cream that reduces the burn a bit. It was amazing to go to sleep with a bit of a burn last night and wake up to it being normal again. Hopefully, that will continue happen. I'm really surprised at how fast radiation is going - I'll be done really soon!

Going to radiation every day has been pretty good, despite the 100 mile drive round trip. I have really enjoyed having company every day! The journey have been filled with wonderful conversations with my travel companions. So far, my mom, my dad, my neighbor Melinda, my friend Connie, my sister-in-law Monique, my aunt and my husband and kids have all joined me on the Radiation Road Trips. I have truly enjoyed the time with each of them and am so thankful for the efforts they've made to go with me! Thank you guys so much!!! Next week, my cousin Suzanne is coming and then my mom is coming back for the last few days the following week. Then I'm DONE!!

A few people have asked me what radiation feels like and, well, it doesn't feel like anything. All you do is lie on a table while the technicians adjust your position. Then they all leave the room and the machine above you hums as the radiation is directed to specific parts of your body. The machine moves around you to different positions, stopping and humming for a few seconds each time. You feel nothing at all. Most of the experience is in your head while you lie still, recognizing that you're being zapped with something that damages your cancer cells. It takes all of about 30 - 45 minutes (sometimes even less), and then you are free to go about your day - which has involved wonderful lunches, shopping, museum visits, and taking the scenic route home. After going through chemo and surgery, radiation is pretty easy, and as strange as it sounds, I've really enjoyed this time to connect with people I love.

On monday, I had an infusion of Zometa to build my bones, a shot in the stomach of Zoladex for ovary surpression, and two shots in the muscle of my lower back/butt of Faslodex for hormone therapy. Oh, the joy of all of those needles! It should be my last shot in the stomach of Zoladex because I'm having my ovaries removed on March 16, so the shots won't be needed anymore. I have been having all of the fun of hot flashes associated with menopause - which is great when you're cold, not so great if you're already hot. Dressing in layers is key. Despite all of this, I am feeling good (apart from a sore butt) and am feeling so fortunate that all of these treatments are available to fight this disease and make me healthy again.

Today marks one year since I got the phone call, as I sat on the beach with my family in Mexico, that my doctor needed to see me right away - the cancer diagnosis quickly followed. What a year it has been since that day - truly an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster for me, my husband and my family and friends who have shown me such tremendous support and love. In many ways, there have been some amazing blessings that have come out of this experience - I can't even begin to list them, there are so many. Most of all, I am blessed to know how very fortunate I am to have so much love in my life - if there is one, perhaps that is the gift of cancer...

Zap, Zap, Zap!!!

As of today, I have completed 8 of my 25 radiation treatments. So far, the driving to San Francisco each day has been more tiring than the treatment itself. Compared to surgery or chemo, radiation is really not a big deal. Of course, I'm still in the early part of it, so I may change my mind about that later. :) It has been great having my dad here this week to go with me. I really enjoyed having all that time with him to just talk and be together. Another blessing that came from this whole thing. :)

My hormone therapy has been changed to something called Faslodex. It is 2 shots in the butt every 2 weeks for 3 times and then monthly after that. Not so pleasant, but if it works to push the last remaining cancer away then I welcome it. :)

I stumbled upon an interesting website for women with Stage IV breast cancer. It is www.inspire.com. It has lots of information from women who have been dealing with this disease for years and years. Speaking of which, my oncologist told me last week that she expected me to live for 20 - 30+ years! This is the first time she's given me any prognosis and I was thrilled to hear that I'll be around for a very long time. She said there may be battles along the way, but that she thinks my disease is manageable. This was great news! We are very relieved. Of course, my plan is to live twice that! My dear friend reminded me that with cancer treatment advancing as quickly as it is these days, there will very likely be a cure in 10 years, so I don't need to worry about it. Ha ha! :)

So, with the end of radiation a mere 18 treatments away, my ovary removal surgery scheduled for March 16, and my return to work and "normal" life in the foreseeable future, I'm feeling better and better emotionally about my path. Many, many people live for years with health challenges. For me, cancer will just be a health challenge that hopefully will just loom off in the distance for years and years. And, if I need to fight it again in the future, I'm armed and ready.

For now, I'm not sweating the small stuff. I'm enjoying the laughter and smiles of my children, the love of my husband, parents, family and friends and feeling blessed each day that I share with them all. I feel like this has taught me that it is my job to be happy each day - being faced with your mortality makes you realize all you have... and that makes me one of the lucky ones. :)

Not So Simple

I had my scan last week, as well as my "set up" appointment to get the radiation process going. The radiation "set up" appointment involved over an hour of lying as still as possible while this machine was moved around me taking x-rays, computerized measurements and gathering information for how to most effectively deliver the radiation. Following all the measuring time, I had a CT scan and got my tattoos, both of which provide guidance for my radiation treatment. Having never had a tattoo before, I can't imagine ever doing it voluntarily - ouch! Evidently, my situation is technically more complicated than most in that they have to figure out how to radiate my whole chest area, whereas most people only have a specific area. Tomorrow is my "dry run" for the radiation process. I am hoping it goes smoothly so I can get started on the daily drives and get that process completed.

With regard to my scan last Wednesday, a nurse finally called me back on friday, but without much definitive information. Basically, she just told me there were a couple of lymphnodes that were showing metabolic activity and that (again!) I would have to wait until the Tumor Board met and discussed it to sort out what was going on. Argh! That makes for a tough weekend of waiting. So, we took the kids and went to the zoo, which was a fun distraction. :)

Today, my oncologist called me to let me know what the Tumor Board came up with. The radiologist couldn't determine whether the increased metabolic rate was a result of inflammation from surgery or was cancer. The locations of the lymphnodes in question are the same place that had shown cancer before - in my clavicle and sternum areas (which weren't removed during surgery). So, the Tumor Board recommendation is that my hormone therapy be shifted from the daily Tamoxifen pill to something else (I can't remember the name) that is an injection every 2 weeks. They are also recommending that I have my ovaries removed in the next few months. So, it looks like I am headed back to surgery once I finish radiation. At least this next surgery is a lot more simple and doesn't require a hospital stay. :)

I am relieved that they aren't recommending more chemo following the scan results and am hopeful that this shift in therapy combined with the radiation will send the cancer away for good. I think that whatever the Tumor Board came up with would have thrown me a bit. Any shift in the plan takes some adjusting mentally. After the last few weeks of feeling so up in the air and making myself crazy with doubt and fear, I am strangely feeling better now adjusting mentally to this new path.

I will get to being cancer free. I know I will. It is just a bit of a winding path that will get me there. But I will be there. I'll find out more tomorrow and hopefully will be launched into the next phase of healing.

Transition to Radiation

It seems like each time I finish one treatment and am moving on to the next, I become a total stress case. I have to keep having conversations with myself, as well as my family and friends, to convince myself, once again, that I am on track to being cancer free. I have no idea why I would be feeling doubtful or second guessing the process, but all of the fears and worries somehow find their way into my head and I have to dash them way. Sometimes that's easy to do, other times, it's harder.

I think it is all compounded by having a PET/CT scan coming up on January 19. Scans are always stressful because no one wants them to show ANY cancer in their bodies - me included. So, anytime you have a scan in the near future, it sets off the alarm bells of the "what ifs". So I have a lot of "noise" in my head these days which I think is only that much louder because I have been off work and have had time for those thoughts to percolate.

My family and friends have been really supportive, but I try not to dwell on it too much cuz I know everyone gets tired of hearing about it. I have to keep reminding myself how many hurdles I've leapt thus far with so much success and that there is no reason to be doubting now. My surgeon feels that she got all of the cancer out of my lymphnodes and breasts. She removed 30 lymphnodes - that's a LOT! I have to be thankful that I am largely healed and have very little pain. I have been able to continue to ramp up my time on the treadmill to doing 2 miles at a time - not bad for 5 weeks post-surgery. Now, I just have to work on doing it faster and on an incline. It helps clear my head and give me more energy, so I push myself to do it almost every day.

I have enjoyed being able to spend more time with my kids and my husband these last few weeks and have some relaxing family time. This experience does make me not worry about the small stuff - or even some of the big stuff. I just keep in my mind how great it will feel to get a report that my body has no cancer left in it. I'm hoping to get that news sometime soon. In the meanwhile, I'm psyching myself up for the daily trek to San Francisco for radiation. Fortunately, my family and friends are planning to accompany me on each daily journey so we can shift the focus to being fun road-trips each day. Again, I count my blessings. I am so lucky and thankful.