It seems like each time I finish one treatment and am moving on to the next, I become a total stress case. I have to keep having conversations with myself, as well as my family and friends, to convince myself, once again, that I am on track to being cancer free. I have no idea why I would be feeling doubtful or second guessing the process, but all of the fears and worries somehow find their way into my head and I have to dash them way. Sometimes that's easy to do, other times, it's harder.
I think it is all compounded by having a PET/CT scan coming up on January 19. Scans are always stressful because no one wants them to show ANY cancer in their bodies - me included. So, anytime you have a scan in the near future, it sets off the alarm bells of the "what ifs". So I have a lot of "noise" in my head these days which I think is only that much louder because I have been off work and have had time for those thoughts to percolate.
My family and friends have been really supportive, but I try not to dwell on it too much cuz I know everyone gets tired of hearing about it. I have to keep reminding myself how many hurdles I've leapt thus far with so much success and that there is no reason to be doubting now. My surgeon feels that she got all of the cancer out of my lymphnodes and breasts. She removed 30 lymphnodes - that's a LOT! I have to be thankful that I am largely healed and have very little pain. I have been able to continue to ramp up my time on the treadmill to doing 2 miles at a time - not bad for 5 weeks post-surgery. Now, I just have to work on doing it faster and on an incline. It helps clear my head and give me more energy, so I push myself to do it almost every day.
I have enjoyed being able to spend more time with my kids and my husband these last few weeks and have some relaxing family time. This experience does make me not worry about the small stuff - or even some of the big stuff. I just keep in my mind how great it will feel to get a report that my body has no cancer left in it. I'm hoping to get that news sometime soon. In the meanwhile, I'm psyching myself up for the daily trek to San Francisco for radiation. Fortunately, my family and friends are planning to accompany me on each daily journey so we can shift the focus to being fun road-trips each day. Again, I count my blessings. I am so lucky and thankful.
You are so brave! It is ok to be scared I think. As long as you dont let the feeling take over your everyday life. And you dont! You are amacing and I am so impressed by you! The threeatlon is soon in its final part and you have done greate, Julianne. I am proud of you, as silly as it seems, since I never see you:-) Keep up the spirit! Love fom Ida
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