End of Chemo???

Friday will be Chemo #18. It is the last one I have scheduled on my calendar. It may be my last one. But it may not. I won’t know until after I have a PET/CT scan next week and then will have to wait to review it and determine whether there has been enough shrinkage to send me on to the next phase – surgery. Of course, I have learned not to rely too heavily on schedules or have expectations for what my medical team will decide. So, although I would love to celebrate Friday being my last chemo, it seems premature to do that until we know for sure.

This stage in the game really plays with your mind. As I’ve said before, there is fear of finishing chemo and ending the chemical battle against the cancer. At the same time, there is also the fear that they will recommend more chemo and that the chemical battle will continue. In anticipating either option, there is a whole cacophony of feelings associated with it – both positive and negative. So, although I have mentally gone down both paths in the last few days, I have to keep pushing myself to stay in the middle and be patient – ahh, patience. It seems to be the theme in this whole process. I’m learning, slowly, but I am learning.

So, again, I’m feeling like I am in limbo land. Apart from the chemical feeling and the regular side effects I’ve had from the chemo, I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been really tired this week and haven’t bounced back as quickly as I have previously, but I’m still managing to do all the normal stuff with work and the kids. I was actually commenting to Marchus that I don’t remember what it feels like to not be under the chemo cloud. I’m kind of intrigued to see how much energy returns and how I feel once all of the toxins are out of my system. We’ve been eating really healthy food and taking much better care of ourselves – not that we weren’t before, but we have bumped it up a few notches. I’m looking forward to having the energy to really put in some miles on the treadmill and to be able to be out in the world more, as well as see what my hair does when it thickens up again.

As we were driving home from chemo last week, Marchus and I were talking about how much we enjoyed our Friday time together despite it involving going to the doctor and chemo. We really hadn’t spent that much time together without the kids prior to my diagnosis. We were both feeling weirdly nostalgic for the long hours together and how the end of chemo would mean the end of those kinds of days. I’m thinking we need to find a way to continue to have blocks of time together periodically – but doing something more fun than going to chemo – that won’t be hard to do.

So, as I head into chemo #18, I am aware of how far I’ve come. From the initial fear and devastation of diagnosis, to the unsettling anxiety of all of the testing, to beginning chemo back in March feeling like my body was about to be taken over by aliens, to ticking off perhaps the last chemo appointment on the calendar. It has been a long road these last 5 months on the chemo train and I am hopeful that the results will show a great first step in completing phase one of the triathlon to being cancer-free. Thanks to all for your support, prayers and reminders that life goes on…