One week to go!

So, one week from right now, I will be done with surgery and on the road to recovery. I’ve been kind of doing the mental count down ever since I got my surgery date. Hard to believe it is almost here. It feels like I’ve been waiting forever for it to happen.

On the one hand, I am looking forward to it – to getting the cancer removed from my body so it isn’t there as a constant reminder. I’m hopeful that this is yet another step to becoming cancer-free. At the same time, I’ve never had surgery before and the whole idea of it freaks me out a bit. I try not to think about that part and just focus on getting through this hurdle and moving forward.

The doctors have told me that I could go home from the hospital the day after my surgery. If not the next day, then the day after. I’m not sure if I’ll want to stay in the hospital any longer than I have to. I know I’ll be anxious to get home to my kids. Being away from them will be the hardest part, as will coming home and not being able to pick them up and play with them.

My support team is all lined up and on their way! My mom and my aunt arrive on Thursday; my mother-in-law arrives home from her medical mission to Ethiopia on Saturday; our dear family friend Elisabeth (a recovery room nurse) is coming on Wednesday to help take care of me when I come home from the hospital; then my dad and Beth, and my sister are coming the week after my surgery. My kids are going to be beside themselves with glee with all of these visitors. I am feeling so blessed to have such tremendous support and I am sure it will help me with my healing.

We had a great Thanksgiving with so much to be thankful for and we have enjoyed these past weeks of normal life. Marchus spent a good amount of time on the ladder yesterday putting up lights on our house, much to the kids delight. We even have Snoopy and pals lit up and “skating” up our front pathway. I’m trying to get as much Christmas stuff done before surgery as I can, as well as trying to wrap up all my stuff at work. I have a long list, but somehow, I know it will get done – it always does, so I don’t stress about it so much anymore. Truly a paradigm shift for me.

Please send me your good thoughts and prayers next Monday for a successful surgery and easy recovery. I am hoping to be feeling pretty good by Christmas so I can really enjoy time with my family. Wishing everyone a joyous, healthy, happy holiday season.

Finally… a surgery date!!!

At long last, and after daily hounding, they have given me a surgery date. Truly, the waiting was brutal. I felt cast adrift and very uncomfortable that I didn’t have a plan. Of course, after I enlisted the help of the wonderfully helpful woman who answers the phone at my plastic surgeon’s office, and she got the attention of a supervisor at my surgeon’s office, and I called daily to encourage them to do the necessary leg work to get me scheduled, I was given a date – December 6. Phew. Of course, initially they told me they had me scheduled for December 21 – my response, “absolutely NOT!” I mean, think people – how would the mom of a 4 year old and a 2 year old be able to manage getting through Christmas 4 days after surgery? Really? So, I was happy when they reorganized and got me the December 6 surgery date. They were unable to schedule my ovary removal surgeon for that date, so I will have to go back for that surgery later on. The more I think about it, I think that is fine – I don’t need to ask SO much of my body’s ability to heal itself at one time. I can recover, do my radiation and then go have the ovary removal surgery. It just means more monthly shots with that giant in the stomach until then and while they are unpleasant, I can deal with it for a few more months or so.

All the stress of this interim period has left me somewhat exhausted. I’ve found it difficult to stay awake past 9pm recently. I chalk it up to all the anxiety I’ve been feeling. I’m hoping that with a firm date to plan for, I’ll get some good rest and bounce back a little bit. I know that even though I am almost 3 months away from chemo, it did take its toll on my body and I can’t have really high expectations of it yet. As with everything else, it will take time to truly bounce back. I do feel proud of myself when I can manage to get through a normal day’s worth of activities without needing a nap, even if it means an early night.

Today, I just got my schedule for pre and post surgery appointments. Again, the scheduler wasn’t thinking when she initially offered me an 8am appointment (when we have a 1+hour drive in commute traffic), as well as a post surgery appointment almost 2 weeks after surgery, when common practice is to be seen a week after. Again, I had to advocate for better dates and better times which she easily found available. Sometimes it just makes you wonder if people really think about what they are suggesting. Although I have loved all of my doctors and feel like I am getting really great care, I have felt that the people scheduling surgery and appointments are quite disconnected from how their job affects people’s lives, emotions and sense of direction. I mean, the guy taking my Starbucks order seemed to have more concern than these folks. Not to worry, they’ll be getting my feedback on this aspect of patient care.

Otherwise, we have been having a pretty normal existence with regular stuff – work, errands, laundry, kids stuff and all of that. We’ve been fortunate to have unseasonably warm weather this last week which has allowed us to enjoy spending a lot of time outside. Adam has been riding his bike like a pro and Matthew is quickly mastering the Razor scooter. We’ve been doing a lot of reading, singing songs and playing hide and seek – which is a new favorite. I’ve embarked on doing some research on kindergarten options – as if I needed to take on an extra task.

In any event, I am trying to let go of all of my fears of surgery. Since I’ve never had surgery before, I don’t really know what to expect in terms of pain and recovery. I’m trying to look at it as a positive step toward healing and ridding my body of cancer. I feel hopeful that once I get past the hurdle of surgery, the rest of the journey toward being cancer free will be all downhill.

If anyone has advice on preparing for or recovering from surgery, I’m all ears! Thanks! And thanks to everyone, especially my dear, tolerant husband, for bearing with me and being supportive during this very stressful time of uncertainty.

Hair...

I almost forgot - I did end up coloring my hair dark brown. It took some getting used to, but it feels more like me again. At the same time, my little one, Matthew got his first haircut. He had long curly hair and although it was so sweet, his little boy haircut is much more fitting. He looks much more like his brother now. He was SO good for his haircut and so proud sitting up in the chair with the drape on - just like big brother. So, we were transformed together. :)

Still Waiting!!!

Can you believe it?! Yes, I am still waiting for a surgery date. I have been waiting now since the Tumor Board met on October 18. Then I had to wait to see my surgeon on October 29, and now I am still waiting again. Seriously, they have no idea the anxiety this kind of waiting around causes. I can't plan anything since I don't know when my surgery will be. I guess this is just another lesson in living in the moment and not sweating it - but it is a hard lesson to learn.

In the meanwhile, we did have a wonderful Halloween celebration in our neighborhood with my sister-in-law and her family, and good friend Cherie and her family joining us for all the fun. The kids were in heaven with the hay ride (courtesty of Marchus), games, costume parade and trick-or-treating. The weather cooperated and it was a blissfully warm fall day.

This past weekend, we went for our annual pre-Christmas photo shoot with our amazing photographer, Pascale. She's been photographing Adam since he was a baby so this was our 5th annual visit with her and it was great fun - as usual. I can't wait to see the photos. I'll post some previews as soon as they are available - along with some halloween photos too.

I've been feeling pretty good, though the anxiety and worry about surgery has gotten the better of me a few times. Waiting is just the worst. Being in that middle place is no fun. I'll be so happy to have a date at some point... maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day... all I know is once it is on my calendar, I can start to figure out what needs to happen before and after. :) Thankfully, Marchus, my ever present rock, is always there to remind me that the path will get us there, eventually. I'm so happy the Giants won the World Series - we needed that sense of celebration in our household these past weeks. :)

Wait, wait, wait…

Waiting for a flight makes you anxious… waiting for a delivery can make you frustrated… waiting for your doctor to call you with results from the Tumor Board that will determine the course of your medical care that will save your life is probably one of the most stressful periods of someone’s life. The Tumor Board met on Monday morning at 9am. I didn’t hear from my doctor about their recommendation until Wednesday at 2pm. And even then, I was just told that they recommended my having surgery – this alone is cause for celebration because it means I am moving toward being cancer free. However, I am still waiting for that elusive surgery date. First, I have to have an appointment with my surgeon and THEN she will write up surgical orders from which they can schedule me. It seems like nothing moves quickly and nothing moves according to my ideal timeline… and so, all I can do is wait some more.

While it is great news that I am heading to surgery, and I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I’d be wanting to have surgery so badly, it is difficult to be in this interim phase of being between chemo and surgery and just waiting for the next thing to happen. I am so ready to go under the knife and get this cancer out of my body. I feel like once I am over that hurdle, I can really look toward complete recovery with radiation and my tamoxifen doing their job to ensure I am cured.

Meanwhile, since it feels like I can’t plan anything since I don’t know when my surgery will be, I am trying to plan things for the near term – like going to the pumpkin patch, Matthew’s first real haircut, visiting with friends and my sister who are coming to town, and trying to keep my work moving forward.

I’ve really been on the fence about the hair color thing and what I have come to is this: I am not ready to be gray and I feel like the gray is a reminder of how my body failed me. I also know that I will always have the option of going back to gray at some point should I choose to do so – it isn’t like my hair is going to change. So, I’ve made an appointment for some hair color. I’ll go gray again when my boys are older and it feels right for me.

In other news, looks like the Giants have a good shot at the World Series. My husband is beside himself with glee. Should be exciting in the world of baseball in the next few days!

Scan Results – well, kind of…

So, Tuesday, I had my PET/CT. I think that was my 6th one – not that I’m counting. The scan process has become rather routine. Injection with radioactive glucose and then the snooze in the tube. My mom was here and waiting for me. The tech guy running the machine told me he’d go get my “friend”. Every time prior, they’d presumed she was my mom. I think my gray hair threw them off…

Anyhow, after the scan, my mom, Marchus, the boys and I went out for sushi which was a special treat. It made the scan less of a big deal to have it be only part of our day’s plans. That afternoon, Adam and I were in line at Peet’s coffee. Adam told the woman in line in front of us that his Grammy was visiting and brought her dog. The woman looks at me and asks me if the dog came on the plane…. She assumed that I was Adam’s Grandmother! That’s twice in one day, maybe it was because I was radioactive, but I think it was the gray - which made for some good conversation… And then the waiting began yesterday morning.

Waiting for the phone to ring is unpleasant no matter how you slice it. It makes you feel anxious and stressed when you are waiting for news that could determine the path your life might take. Waiting all day and into the next is, well, brutal. You go through so many thoughts and scenarios in your head, each one trumping the last one and you can’t discuss it because you know you are being crazy. So, you wait.

Finally, at 2:10pm today, the email came through. My scan showed no activity in my bones *YAY*, there was no increase in size of anything *YAY* *YAY*, there was increased metabolic activity in the breast mass and the lymphnodes *HMMMM*. Of course, the neither the report nor the brief email from my doctor explained the significance of these results or the expectations they were hoping for and whether this met those expectations. So, I was left with more questions. Upon further inquiry with my doctor, as well as the synchronicity of my sister being on the sidelines of the soccer field with her friend who is both a breast cancer survivor, a doctor, and married to an oncologist, some clarity began to emerge.

So, my understanding at this point is that it is GREAT that there is no activity in my bones and no spread of disease since I stopped chemo. Some increase in metabolic activity is to be expected since it is no longer being suppressed by the chemo. So, all good news, I think.

I will find out more after the Tumor Board reviews the situation again on Monday. What I am hoping is that my doctor calls me with a surgery date so that I can get this stuff out of my body and get those new boobs I’ve been promised.

Thank you everyone for hanging in there with me and sending me your good wishes through these stressful few days. As always, this cancer ride is a roller coaster. But we’re hanging on tightly and heading through the next few loops to get to the finish line…. Meanwhile, I am debating the pros and cons of dyeing my hair… any thoughts???

Heading to Another Scan

Friday, I had a great visit with my oncologist who continues to be very upbeat and positive about how I'm doing. Of course, she won't know for sure until after the next scan, but just her attitude makes me feel good about how things are going because she hasn't always been so positive. I also got another infusion of Zomeda, the bone builder, and another shot in the stomach of Zolodex. We got assigned the nurse that I had difficulty with on Chemo Infusion #13, so Marchus, wonderful husband that he is, spoke to one of our favorite nurses who then intervened and took care of getting my IV started and doing my Zolodex shot. It is strange to go to the infusion center and not be camped out for the whole afternoon. With Zomeda and Zolodex, we're done in an hour. We stopped and had a lovely lunch on the way home.

Next Tuesday, October 12 at 10am, I have another PET/CT scan. This scan will tell us if my cancer is stable with the Zolodex and Tamoxifen I’ve been doing since finishing chemo 5 weeks ago. I am really hoping and praying that it is all stable. Either way, I think I’ll be discussed at Tumor Board on the 18th. I’m hoping it is just to confirm the plan for surgery and then radiation. At the same time, I can’t help but have some anxiety about that possibility that the cancer is growing. I don’t feel it growing. It seems to be the same to me. But the crazy thing about having cancer is that with every sore muscle or persistent cough or twinge in a joint, your mind instantly goes to it being cancer. I know that’s ridiculous and that in every likelihood, it is not. It’s just that’s where your mind goes and then you have to talk yourself out of it. That coupled with the anxiety of what the scan may say makes for a crazy week before the scan. So, I’m trying to stay distracted and fortunately for me, between work and my kids, that’s not hard.

If I do get to have surgery (which sounds odd), they will likely be able to schedule me for surgery in Mid to Late November. It surprised me that it could be so soon, but I was happy to hear it. It would be SO nice to get that next phase of the triathlon done before the holidays and be on the road to radiation by New Years. Then I’d be done with the whole triathlon by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis in February.

In my non-medical life, I’ve been feeling great! I’ve gotten back on the treadmill again doing a couple miles at a time. I’m not breaking any records, but I’m feeling good just getting a little bit of exercise. But, of course, since I'm out of shape, getting that exercise means there is potential to have sore muscles and joints later which as I mentioned above is anxiety producing, though I know it shouldn't be.

We had a great weekend spending time with Marchus’s mom, sister and her kids on Saturday. The boys all had a tremendous time playing together (5 boys ages 5 and under) and we all enjoyed Marchus’s cooking. Sunday, we went with our friends, Cherie and Todd, and their kids to the Cool Patch Pumpkins patch in Dixon where we embarked on a two hour adventure through a 45 acre corn maze. I’ve wanted to do the corn maze for 6 years, and we finally made it! It was such a great experience trying to navigate our way through using our map and the coordinates posted amidst the corn. So much fun! I can’t wait to go again next year!

My hair continues to be gray and people who haven’t seen me yet continue to not recognize me. I find it entertaining that I’m incognito. It is even funny for me to see my own reflection. My image of myself is still with long brown curly hair. Adam has told me that he likes my hair brown, not white. I love that kids can be so honest.

Monday is Columbus Day. One of the bonuses of working for the government is that for us, it is a paid holiday. This means that I get to take my kids to their music class and karate – which I never get to do because I’m at work. I am really looking forward to it.

Hopefully, when I post again next week, I’ll be able to share some good news. Please keep me in your prayers and send good thoughts my way for wonderful scan results showing that the cancer is all stable or has shrunk further. Thanks for all of your support!!! If all goes well, I’ll soon be able to start planning my CURED party!!! YAY!!!